Halfway There Read online

  Also by Norm Foster

  Bedtime Stories

  Dear Santa

  Ethan Claymore

  A Foster Christmas

  The Foster Season

  The Foursome

  The Gentleman Clothier

  Hilda’s Yard

  Jasper Station

  Jenny’s House of Joy

  Jonas and Barry in the Home

  Kiss the Moon, Kiss the Sun

  The Ladies Foursome

  The Long Weekend

  The Melville Boys

  Mending Fences

  Ned Durango (with Leslie Arden)

  Office Hours

  Old Love

  On a First Name Basis

  One-Actmanship

  Opening Night

  Outlaw

  Self-Help

  Sinners

  Skin Flick

  Storm Warning

  Triple Play

  The Writer

  Wrong for Each Other

  Halfway There

  Norm Foster

  Playwrights Canada Press

  Toronto

  Halfway There © Copyright 2021 by Norm Foster

  First edition: April 2021

  Cover art and design by Patrick Gray Illustration

  Playwrights Canada Press

  202-269 Richmond St. W., Toronto, ON M5V 1X1

  416.703.0013 | [email protected] |www.playwrightscanada.com

  No part of this book may be reproduced, downloaded, or used in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for excerpts in a review or by a licence from Access Copyright, www.accesscopyright.ca.

  For professional or amateur production rights, please contact:

  The GGA

  250 The Esplanade, Suite 304 Toronto, ON M5A 1J2

  416.928.0299, http://ggagency.ca/apply-for-performance-rights/

  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

  Title: Halfway there / Norm Foster.

  Names: Foster, Norm, 1949- author.

  Description: A play.

  Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20210139358 | Canadiana (ebook) 20210139374 | ISBN 9780369102225 (softcover) | ISBN 9780369102232 (PDF) | ISBN 9780369102249 (HTML) | ISBN 9780369102256 (Kindle)

  Classification: LCC PS8561.O7745 H35 2021 | DDC C812/.54—dc23

  Playwrights Canada Press operates on Mississaugas of the Credit, Wendat, Anishinaabe, Métis, and Haudenosaunee land. It always was and always will be Indigenous land.

  We acknowledge the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council (OAC), Ontario Creates, and the Government of Canada for our publishing activities.

  For my children, Lee, Randy, Daniel, and Jacqueline.

  Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Production History

  Cast of Characters

  Time

  Place

  Act One Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  Act Two Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  About the Author

  Landmarks

  Also By

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Table of Contents

  Production History

  Cast of Characters

  Act One

  Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  Act Two

  Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  About the Author

  Page List

  ii

  iii

  iv

  v

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  Halfway There was first produced from August 10 to 27, 2016, at the Foster Festival in St. Catharines, Ontario, with the following cast and creative team:

  Vi: Lisa Horner

  Rita: Sheila McCarthy

  Mary Ellen: Helen Taylor

  Sean Merrit: Darren Keay

  Janine Babineau: Kirsten Alter

  Director: Patricia Vanstone

  Stage Manager: Carolyn Mackenzie

  Set and Costume Design: Sue LePage

  Lighting Design: Chris Malkowski

  Cast of Characters

  Janine Babineau, mid to late thirties

  Vi

  Rita

  Mary Ellen

  Sean Merrit, forty-two years old

  Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen can be anywhere from fifty to sixty years old

  Time

  The present. Friday afternoon.

  Place

  A restaurant cal
led Junior’s in the town of Stewiacke, a town in Nova Scotia located halfway between the equator and the North Pole.

  Act One

  Scene One

  There are tables and a counter with stools in the diner. On the front door is sign on a string. The sign, facing the audience, reads “Closed.” Lights up to reveal three women, Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen sitting at a table in the diner.

  Rita: Well, I don’t know why she doesn’t just leave him. They don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore.

  Vi: Get out.

  Rita: Hand to God, Vi. She sleeps in the master bedroom and Ian sleeps in what used to be Harvey’s room.

  Vi: Harvey? Their son Harvey?

  Rita: Yep.

  Vi: So, why don’t they just get a divorce?

  Mary Ellen: No, Elspeth won’t do that.

  Rita: No. She says it would be too hard on the children.

  Vi: Harvey and Glad?

  Rita: Right.

  Vi: Harvey’s forty-one.

  Rita: But he only just moved out a couple of months ago. He’s still finding his legs. His parents divorcing could be a setback. Plus there’s the whole circumcision fiasco. That muddies the waters too.

  Vi: The circumcision has nothing to do with Harvey’s insecurities.

  Mary Ellen: The “botched” circumcision.

  Rita: Performed by Elspeth’s veterinarian cousin.

  Vi: Oh, that’s just a rumour. I don’t think it was done by a veterinarian at all.

  Mary Ellen: Elspeth swears it’s the gospel.

  Rita: I wouldn’t have let him near a flank steak with a knife let alone a you-know-what. My land, it’s no wonder Harvey is skittish.

  Mary Ellen: I’ve never seen a man flinch so much around cutlery.

  Vi: But he was a baby when it happened.

  Rita: Yes, but those things stay with a person. That’s why I’m against circumcision. It should be outlawed.

  Vi: And Glad? Glad lives in Costa Rica last I heard.

  Mary Ellen: Well, not so much lives as is “in custody.”

  Rita: Anyway, I hope they work it out. I mean, Elspeth just turned sixty. She hasn’t got too much tread left on those tires.

  Vi: I’m just glad I didn’t have any kids when I got divorced. Johnny’s girl Katie still finds it tough, and he’s been divorced from her mother for twelve years.

  Mary Ellen: How old is she now?

  Vi: Seventeen. And she’s having a rough go of it up there in Thunder Bay. Hanging with a bad crowd too. Johnny’s really worried.

  Rita: Johnny’s a cop. Can’t he tell the cops up there to keep an eye on her?

  Vi: He has. But it’s not the same as being there himself.

  Mary Ellen: It’s so hard being a teenager these days. I hope she gets through it.

  Vi: From your lips to God’s ears, Mary Ellen. All right, girls, I’m off to the gym. Or as the owner insists on calling it, Dugan’s Pub.

  Mary Ellen: No, don’t go yet, Vi. What’s the rush?

  Vi: I’m meeting Johnny for happy hour.

  Rita: Oh, Johnny. What’s Johnny?

  Mary Ellen: Yeah, what’s Johnny?

  Vi: We meet every Friday at Dugan’s for happy hour. You know that.

  Mary Ellen: So, he can’t wait on you for fifteen minutes?

  Rita: Yeah, you know what they say about keepin’ a man waiting.

  Vi: No. What do they say, Rita?

  Rita: It makes him want you more.

  Mary Ellen: Maybe Rita has a point, Vi. Maybe you should play hard to get.

  Vi: Mary Ellen, I’ve already been got. I’ve been got six ways from Sunday.

  Rita: She’s right. Her gettin’ got days are long gone.

  Vi: Well, now I haven’t stopped gettin’ got. I still get got. There’s just no need to play hard to get got. Now, I gotta get. The love of my life is waiting.

  Sean Merrit enters the restaurant.

  I suppose he can wait fifteen more minutes.

  Vi sits.

  Mary Ellen: Well, what do we have here?

  Rita: What do we have, indeed?

  Sean: Ladies.

  Vi: Well, the jury’s still out on that but thank you anyway.

  Mary Ellen: Vi, stop that.

  (to Sean) Don’t listen to her. She’s nothing but trouble.

  Rita: And so am I if you like that sort of thing. And I hope you do.

  Mary Ellen: Now, that’s enough, you two.

  (to Sean) They’re a caution. I’m sorry.

  Sean: Quite all right.

  Mary Ellen: Just sit anywhere. Janine will be out shortly.

  Sean: Janine?

  Vi: Your waitress. She’s using the facilities at present.

  Sean: Oh. Thank you.

  Sean sits.

  Rita: Well, he’s a handsome rascal, isn’t he?

  Vi: You can say that again.

  Mary Ellen: Not from around here, I’m guessing.

  Vi: Oh, he’s not from around here at all, Mary Ellen. He’s from away as sure as a monkey’s got a bare arse.

  Mary Ellen: He is a cute one.

  Rita: He is. And looks to be unspoiled. Like a piece of fresh fruit on a sturdy vine. Just waiting to get plucked.

  Sean: Ladies. I can hear you.

  Rita: Oh, we know, dear. We don’t like to talk behind someone’s back.

  Vi: No, we’ll say it straight to your face.

  Sean: Well, that’s good to know.

  Mary Ellen: So, were we right? Are you from away?

  Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen move to Sean and sit, surrounding him.

  Sean: From away? Uh . . . yes, yes I am. I just got into town and I haven’t eaten since breakfast. That’s why I stopped in here.

  Rita: Oh, ya poor thing. You gotta eat. You gotta keep up your strength. You need it for your endurance. Although I’ll bet your endurance is just fine. Is it?

  Vi: What’s your name?

  Sean: Sean Merrit.

  Vi: Well, welcome to Stewiacke. I’m Violet. This is Rita. And this is Mary Ellen.

  Sean: Pleased to meet you.

  Vi: So, where are you from, Sean?

  Sean: Toronto.

  Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen just stare at Sean.

  What’s wrong?

  Mary Ellen: We don’t like Toronto.

  Rita: We don’t like Toronto one bit.

  Sean: That seems like an odd reaction. Is there a reason that you don’t like Toronto?

  Mary Ellen: Oh, there’s a very good reason.

  Vi: Mary Ellen’s niece Martine fell in love with a fella from Toronto.

  Mary Ellen: Fell head over heels.

  Rita: Like a ton o’ bricks.

  Vi: Next thing you know she gives up a good job at the Scoop and Save and moves to Toronto to be with him. Oh he promised her the world he did. And I don’t mean little trinkets and baubles here and there. No, I mean he literally promised her the world.

  Sean: Well, I don’t think he could “literally” promise her the world. I mean, “literally” would mean . . .

  Vi: Who’s telling the story here, Sean?

  Sean: Sorry. Go ahead.

  Vi: So, within two months he decides that he’s not “in love” with Martine anymore. He said she had some qualities that weren’t apparent to him at first blush. Qualities that only came to light when they moved in together.

  Sean: Like what?

  Vi: Well, when she got mad she’d throw knives at him.

  Mary Ellen: Not big knives. Not your carving knife or your bread knife.

  Rita: No, just little ones. A paring knife or a cheese knife.

  Vi: But that wasn’t the worst of it.

  Sean: Throwing knives at him wasn’t the worst of it?

  Rita: No. Martine is a kleptomaniac. She steals things. She can’t help herself.

  Vi: And they were living in a small apartment and they had no place to put everything.

  Rita: And apparently this got to be too much for the jam tart Toronto boyfriend. I guess he
doesn’t like clutter. And so he sent her packing. Without so much as a by your leave.

  Vi: He broke that poor girl’s heart he did.

  Mary Ellen: Broke it bad.

  Vi: And she comes back home with tears in her eyes and her tail between her legs. And I mean literally with her tail between her legs.

  Pause.

  Okay, now I’m messin’ with ya’. She doesn’t have a tail.

  Rita: At least not one long enough to tuck between her legs.

  The women laugh.

  Sean: And that’s why you hate Toronto?

  Vi: That’s it.

  Sean: Well, that’s tarring a pretty sizable population with the same brush, isn’t it?

  Vi, Rita, and Mary Ellen just stare at Sean.

  But it’s probably valid. You’re probably right.

  Rita: So what brings you to Stewiacke, Sean? Is there a slacks convention in town?

  Sean: I’m going to be working at the medical clinic. I’m taking over for Doctor Caldwell for a month.

  Rita: You’re a doctor?

  Sean: I am.

  Rita: Well. And me about due for my annual physical. How fortuitous.

  Mary Ellen: Yes, I think I might be coming down with something.

  Vi: I’m feeling a little feverish myself, girls. Whoo! Is it hot in here or is it him?

  Rita: So, you’re taking over for Pooch Caldwell?

  Sean: Pooch?

  Rita: Yeah, Pooch. We’ve called him that for years.

  Sean: Do I want to know why you call him that?

  Rita: Well, it’s no big secret. A while back we had a pharmacist here named Virginia Wilmot. Sometimes she’d go out for lunch and not come back for two or three hours. She’d just disappear. So one day the druggist asked her where she’d been and she said nowhere. She was just screwin’ the pooch. Turns out it was Doctor Caldwell.